Every time I hear the term “Fairy Tale Wedding” on TV, I want to laugh my head off. Given that the term seems to be liberally used as of lately on account to the Royal Brittish Wedding, I do live in a state of endless amusement.
Have these guys read actual fairy tales?
I am not referring to the sanitized Disney version of fairy tales with singing critters and quirky fairy godmothers. What I am talking about is the real thing. The original stories that were designed to either a) teach a moral story; b) scare the kiddies; or c) all of the above.
Let’s take a look at two of the most popular fairy tales ever: Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.
Cinderella (Brothers Grimm version) Abridged
Girl loses mother. Father remarries. Girl gets Stepmother and Stepsisters from Hell. Father does nothing to stop the abuse.
Prince gives ball. Girl stays home crying. Dead mother sends birds with nifty ball gown and slippers. Girl goes to ball. Girl charms Prince. Girl loses slipper. Prince goes in search of mystery girl and has everyone try the slipper.
Stepsisters slice their heels in order for slipper to fit. Stepsisters make a bloody mess. Slipper still doesn’t fit. Girl shows up. Slipper fits. Prince proposes.
Girl marries Prince. Birds sent by dead mother peck stepsisters eyes out on Girls wedding day.
Moral(s) of the story: a) Wedding planners, beware of eye pecking birds. They make messes and scare the crap out of the guests. b) Slicing your heels to slip your feet into those Manolos is messy and it doesn’t work . Trust me on this one.
Aging Monarchs have baby girl. Monarchs throw big christening party. Monarchs invite fairies. Monarchs forget to invite cranky old fairy. Cranky old fairy curses little princess and says she’ll die as a teen from needle prick to finger (?!). Nicer fairy changes death curse to 100 year slumber. (Yours truly wonders why 100 years and not 100 minutes, but what do I know. I’m just abridging this.)
Girl grows up and pricks finger. Girl and castle staff – minus Monarchs – go to sleep. 100 years pass. Kingdom changes hands. New prince finds castle. Castle lets him in. Prince wakes up girl. Prince marries Girl. Prince and girls have two kids. Prince does not tell parents on account of Mother being a man-eating ogress.
Prince introduces girl and kids to King-Dad and Mother-Ogress. King-Dad dies. Prince becomes King. Prince (now King) goes to war. Prince/King is an idiot and leaves Mother-Ogress in charge of wife and kids.
Mother-Ogress decides to eat Girl and kids for supper. Steward hides girl and kids. Steward cooks venison (with lots of sauce) and fools Mother-Ogress. Steward gets congrats on his culinary skills.
Mother-Ogress finds out about Girl and kids being alive. Mother-Ogress prepares vat assorted man-eating critters and orders that Girl, kids, Steward and family be thrown in there.
Prince/King comes home before everyone jumps into vat. Mother-Ogress throws a tantrum and jumps into vat herself. Mother-Ogress gets eaten by creatures in vat. Prince/King is sad for Mothers’ death. Prince/King consoles himself with cute Girl and kids.
Moral(s) of the story: a) Never understimate the power of senior citizens. b) Don’t leave your Mom in charge when you know that she’s a man-eating ogress. c) Don’t jump into vats of man-eating critters when throwing a tantrum. d) Venison can hide a multitude of sins. Especially when covered in sauce.
Afternote from Abridger:
Fairy tale weddings are not as cracked up as they seem to be. They can be messy, ugly, and you may end up with the in-laws from hell. So next time you see a happy couple, do them a favor. Don’t wish for them a Fairy Tale Wedding.
That is, unless you really, really don’t like them.
Next time: Snow White and The Little Mermaid (Abridged).